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Family members and friends of the survivor will react to the trauma in similar ways as the survivor. They will also have the additional task of responding to the survivor in an empathetic manner. You may hear family and friends say they feel as if they are ³walking on eggshells² and feel helpless in this situation. Just as the survivor needs reassurance he/she was not going crazy, so will their family and friends need such reassurance. It is important for family/friends to also seek support for themselves during this time.

Confusing Feelings

It is normal for family/friends to feel angry, confused, and unsure of the best way to help their loved one. They may wonder if the survivor could have prevented the attack but not wish to ask such questions. They may find it difficult to listen to the "story," hoping that silence will make it go away. At other times, they may want to hear about everything that happened.

Sometimes family/friends will find their feelings confusing. They may be embarrassed or want to keep the assault a secret for fear of what others may think. They may feel guilty or responsible, feeling they should have been able to prevent it. They may feel that if their advice had been followed, this would not have happened. Family/friends may feel anger toward the survivor or rage toward the perpetrator, and consider actions that are out of character for them. Many survivors fear their family/friends will get hurt or arrested while trying to invoke revenge on their behalf. The need to protect a loved one can often create more stress and fear if not kept in check. It is important to remember the only person responsible for the assault was the perpetrator. Neither family/friends nor the survivor is to blame.

Providing Support

Family and friends may want to make decisions for the survivor, hurry the healing process, or be overprotective. This is typically a sign that their need to be a good problem solver is becoming more important to them than the survivorıs needs. They can be most helpful to the survivor by listening, caring and believing. They should not make decisions for the survivor. Their support and information can be encouraging, but the decisions need to be made by the survivor. The survivor needs to feel he or she is "in control" of the situation.

Family and friends can aid healing by:

  • Believing the survivor.
  • Letting the survivor know that she/he did the right things during the assault. Don't question or judge what she/he did to survive. Survival is evidence that she/he handled the assault correctly.
  • Reassuring the survivor that you still love her/him and that you know the assault was not her/his fault.
  • Seeing and accepting the survivorıs hurt emotions.
  • Recognizing the need expressed by the survivorıs behavior.
  • Recognizing the survivorıs guilt and self-blame.
  • Allowing the survivor to be in control of decision making. This is important for big and small decisions.
  • Telling the survivor that you are there to listen and give support whenever she/he is ready to talk, but do not push.
  • Respecting the survivor's decision to report or not report the assault to the police. There are tremendous personal sacrifices involved in prosecuting a sexual assailant and the survivor may not feel able to make them.
  • Getting help themselves to deal with their role in the survivorıs healing

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